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Matching Your Outsides with Your Insides

Parenting: 30 Helpful Hints

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MATCHING YOUR OUTSIDES WITH YOUR INSIDES

What happens when your actions don't match your moral code? Well, loss of self-esteem, and sometimes loss of friends!

First of all, let's explore what a moral code is. It's your gauge of what's right and wrong.

We all expect ourselves to act on what we believe is right, and avoid those actions that we deem as wrong. Sometimes, though, we don't live up to these expectations. Why? The primary reason is the failure to carefully examine our moral code.

First of all, is your moral code your own or that of your parents, your church, or your community? If you habitually act against or outside of your moral code, perhaps it's too stringent and needs to be rewritten. If this is a problem for you, it's a good idea to sit down and really think about what your moral code is. Write it down. Take a look at it, and realistically evaluate each rule. Are they rigid? Do you truly believe you have to live up to these expectations in order to be a good person? Or are they ideas that were imposed upon you during your childhood?

Next, make note of which rules you have broken, perhaps putting an extra "star" next to the ones that you break often. We generally "break our own rules" for one of the following reasons:

1. Your rules are too stringent, and you feel boxed in by them. Therefore, another part of you is constantly seeking freedom. Do you expect more of yourself than you do of others, offering more leeway to everyone but yourself? Can you find a way to relax around your rules so that you feel less like your freedom is being infringed upon?

2. Your rules belong to someone else. If you adopted the moral code of your parents, for example, you may automatically feel rebellious toward that code. A part of you will try to derail it in order to push against the strict hand of the parental voice inside you. As an adult, however, it's your job to become aware of the voices of your parents that remain in your psyche. Once aware of them, you can evaluate from an adult perspective which rules make sense to you and which do not. It also takes some time to realize that your parents no longer have power over you, and rebelling against them is really rebelling against yourself. Whenever there's a conflict within us, we must strive to become aware of it and perhaps even facilitate a dialogue between the two conflicting voices. When we can observe the dialogue objectively, we can see which voice (if either) is the more rational of the two.

3. A part of you simply can't stand to follow any rules. Perhaps your rules aren't stringent, and yet, you still can't live up to them. Often, this is a result of the same kind of thing mentioned in number 2. Your parents or your church may have imposed an enormous amount of rules upon you as a child, and now, you feel rebellious toward rules in general. It's also sometimes true that low self-esteem begets low self-esteem. If you were told that you never follow rules, told that you're no good, you may find yourself trying to live up to that image. If you perceive yourself on some level as a bad person, you may continue to be that person. First of all, a thorough evaluation of your moral code is in order. However, in this case, awareness is key! It takes time and vigilance, but when you begin to catch yourself prior to breaking the rules, you'll start to evaluate what you truly want to do. If you're going to ultimately be hurt by your behavior, you must gradually learn to love yourself enough to stop ahead of time. Obviously, if addiction is involved, you will need outside help. Even if addiction is not involved, you may find that a therapist or counselor can do much to help you break the destructive patterns.

When we truly know ourselves and who we are, we can determine who we want to strive to become. From an open-hearted position, we can evaluate what we truly believe to be right and what we truly believe to be wrong. Once we know what our beliefs are (and they may grow and change as we do), we can begin to design a life where we live up to our own expectations. Living and standing by our beliefs promotes self-love and self-respect. It gives us the opportunity to see ourselves positively rather than feeling down on ourselves. And, most importantly, it affords us the cushion to allow for mistakes and slip-ups. When the heart is open and compassion is present, rigid perfectionism has little place. We can give ourselves the time to grow and to change gradually until our outsides match our insides. This is what it takes to be whole and comfortable in one's own skin. Imagine a world where we all felt good about ourselves!

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1. Find ways to make your child feel special every day, and not always just because of something she did. Let your child feel special some days just because she IS. Let her know in no uncertain terms that "who she is" is more important than "what she does."

2. A child who is made to feel that he is okay as he is will not easily fall prey to peer pressure, which means he will be much less likely to get involved with gangs or drugs.

3. The Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," may be corny, but it's more important to exercise it with your child than with anyone. If you treat your child the way you'd like to be treated, or - even better - the way you would have liked your parents to treat you, you can't go wrong.

4. The best way to teach your child to say "please" and "thank you" to others is to say "please" and "thank you" to your child.

5. We have to say "no" to children about so many things. Why not say "yes" as often as you can? Remember how you feel when someone says "no" to you -- especially when you don't understand why they're saying "no." As long as your child is not in harm's way or SERIOUSLY inconveniencing you or someone else, say "yes!" (Even if it means they occasionally make a little mess that you have to clean up.)

6. If you explain to children the reasons for saying "no" about something, it's true that they may not understand the reasons or stop begging for what they want. And, you may still have to discipline their behavior. However, they will understand that you respected them enough to take a moment to explain your reasons for saying "no."

7. Try not to let yourself be embarrassed by your child's behavior around other adults. Some of the most endearing things about children is their candor and disregard for rules. Obviously, if your child is truly annoying others, do everything you can within reason to stop the behavior. But, also bear in mind that most adults who are annoyed by your child's behavior are no doubt in need of a good dose of playfulness and truth! Remember that children need to explore in order to discover the world. If they're yelling a bit in Grand Central Station to hear their echoes, what difference does it make? Anyone who is bothered by that should put themselves in a quieter place to begin with! And, if your child accidentally knocks something over at a friend's house, you may need to insist that your child sit still. But, don't chastise him in front of your friend. It was an accident, and your child should never be made to feel "bad" or "wrong" for an accident.

8. The old adage that actions speak louder than words is never more true than for a parent. If your actions consistently belie what you say, your child will never behave based on what you say, nor will your child trust you. Children emulate who you are and how you act.

9. Besides love, the thing your child needs most from you is your respect. In turn, if your child observes you showing respect to others, you will receive respect from your child.

10. It's perfectly normal to feel angry with your child at times, but there's anger and then, there's ANGER. Rational anger not only teaches a child what is acceptable to you and what isn't, but it also teaches that anger can be expressed in a healthy and even loving way. Losing control when angry, however, and saying very hurtful things or even lightly hitting someone causes real damage and requires professional help to manage feelings!

11. Remember that it's okay to allow your child to see you having feelings. While it may make sense to shield her from seeing you in the midst of intense grief, she needs to observe you having feelings in order to learn how to be human. Pretending that you are so strong that you never feel afraid or hurt teaches her that those emotions are not okay or safe to feel, or certainly not okay to share. She will spend her life judging herself for these natural human feelings.

12. If you truly learn the art of playing with your child, you will be a much happier and more relaxed adult.

13. The people who say they don't have time to play because there's too much to do to make ends meet are the very people who need play the most! Wise parents know that stressful times can be eased considerably with a little healthy play and a moment to appreciate the angelic smile of their child.

14. Even though a precocious child may be a problem at times, remember that people like Mozart were precocious children!

15. Don't worry about whether your child is normal. There is no such thing as normal.

16. Gentle discipline is an important thing. Children need limits and a certain amount of structure in order to feel safe. However, set limits only when they're truly necessary - that means when your child's safety or best interest is at stake or when your safety or best interest is at stake. Yes, if you are having an exhausting day and at the end of your rope, you may need to set limits for your own sake. In other words, you will indeed have to make sacrifices for your child, but if you completely ignore your own needs and wants, you teach your child that adulthood means sacrificing yourself. Too much self-sacrifice always, always leads to burnout and resentment.

17. Balance is key - not too much, not too little. However, balance is also an ideal that you won't manage to meet most of the time. That's okay, because as long as you try, you will be close enough, and you'll learn by trial and error.

18. Think about what your actions are teaching your child. There's a great story about a teacher who brags that she takes toys from children who bring them to class. At first glance, it seems reasonable to take the toy so that class is not disrupted, but this teacher is actually instructing her students that stealing is okay. It would be more effective to take the toy from the child every day until he or she finally got the message and stopped bringing the toy to class. But, in order to maintain integrity, the teacher should always, always give it back at the end of the day. Think of your actions as an example, not just a message!

19. Observe your child's reactions to your words, your actions, and your disciplinary tactics. Notice if your child seems to cower or become smaller due to what you say, and make adjustments to your techniques. It's your job to learn how to teach your child right from wrong without smashing his spirit or damaging his self-esteem. Be creative and committed to this ideal, and you will succeed more often than you fail. If you say something that hurts your child, be sure to apologize! Tell him that it's not a reflection on how much you love him and that he's still a wonderful person!

20. Bear in mind that your child will take everything you say literally. I once observed a woman saying "Get away from me!" to her three-year old, which was like putting her daughter's self-esteem in a blender. I know someone else whose father told him he couldn't do anything right, and he spent the rest of his life trying to prove his father correct.

21. Remember that just because a certain tactic has worked with your child for some time, it may not work later. Your child is growing and changing constantly, and you must acknowledge this beautiful process and adapt accordingly.

22. The better you know yourself and your reasons for saying and doing what you do, the better parent you will be. The less you parrot others - especially your own parents - without examining in your own heart if their words really make good sense, the better parent you will be.

23. There's a wonderful story in a book called "The Aladdin Factor" by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen about a mother who gets very upset when she finds beer in her daughter's room. When the mother is questioned by another adult as to why she was so upset to find beer in her daughter's room, she says, "Because I don't want my daughter to get into trouble." When she is questioned as to why she doesn't want her daughter to get into trouble, she says, "Because I love her." What her daughter received from her in their encounter, though, was only anger, NOT love. When your child does something that frightens you, admit it! Don't just lose your temper because you might cause her to retaliate and do something even worse. She's much more likely to listen to you if you explain to her why the beer makes you concerned about her well-being.

24. Allow your boy to develop sensitivity. Remember that women's favorite actors are the ones who play sensitive characters in films. Think Tom Hanks! These men manage to be caring, unselfish, and masculine at the same time. Teach your son to do the same. He'll grow up to be a good husband and father, and a good son.

25. Teach your children about diversity, let them meet people who are different from you, and they will be able to enter any room anywhere and make friends.

26. As difficult a feat as it is, try not to be too worried about what could happen to your child out there in the world. Grit your teeth, have faith, and let them go out there and try things (within reason, of course). If you're afraid, they will be afraid as well and will never reach their full potential in life. They will end up afraid to go for what will truly bring them happiness. The most successful people in the world are those who have had courage. Help your child develop courage, and you can truly consider yourself a successful parent.

27. Do not expect perfection from your child or from yourself.

28. The greatest thing about striving to be a good role model for your child is that it will also make you a better person, and a happier person.

29. Love your child, and love yourself.

30. The most profound and beautiful thing you can do for your child is to remind her through word and action that she has a bright, bright light inside her that brought her to this earth and will carry her forward through all her days. That she is supposed to try things and perhaps fail the first time, learn and try again. That she should never, ever let any "failure" or anyone else's opinion be important enough to dim that beautiful light inside. The other most profound and beautiful thing you can do for your child is to remind yourself that you have this same bright light inside of you.

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